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| April Zachary Rubengera Districit Western Province |
“Many more men and
boys understand the importance of women’s equality,
and they need to be
given permission to let this happen.
Additionally,
information given to boys and men on how to promote
gender equality needs
to be done in a positive way.
As 0pposed to giving
lists of things they “should not do” or
ways they are “bad,”
information needs to
be shared in a way so as
to build up our boys
and men, not tear them down.”
Peace Corps Rwanda
A Guide to Gender and Development
Activities for All Volunteers
Recently I had the privilege of attending a two day GAD
training which was facilitated by Ashley Mills, our Peace Corps Gender
Technical Specialist. I say
“facilitated” as opposed to “taught” for a reason. Ashley did not teach us theory, protocol or
even suggested modes of approach to Gender issues within communities. Instead
she lead us, through a series of
exercises, into an experiential process where we were able to see how our life experiences,
preconceived ideas and cultural biases effect how we approach gender equality. During one of these exercises I came face to
face with childhood experiences that have colored my view of gender based power
dynamics through most of my life. And
even though I am now clearer about where my perspective comes from, I am still
influenced by my experience.
I once had an older brother.
He was five years my senior. His name was Randy, not Randolph…just
straight, plain Randy. I adored
him. When I was about 3 years old, I
stood in awe as I watched him climb the big tree that stood in the yard of the
cluster of small cottages where we lived. I wanted to do that too and, not too
many years later, I would - with his help.
When I was about 5 or 6 years old Randy taught me how to ride a bike. As
I clung to the handle bars of that little two wheeler, feet pumping on pedals,
he ran along side of me, supporting me, keeping me balanced until I was soaring
forward, proud and exhilarated. He was a
good brother.
In the beginning it was mostly just me, my mom and my
brother. Looking back now I can see how difficult it must have been for Mom to
support 2 children by herself. This was in the 1950’s and early 1960’s. She was married by age 16, had my brother by
age 17, had me by age 21 and was divorced by age 25. But even before divorce she was pretty much
raising us on her own. Our father was an absentee father. Our mother carried
the load, taking care of us and working long hours at the A&W drive-thru
restaurant for 75 cents per hour.
When I was 8 years old and Randy was 13 our mother
remarried. Our step father had a “good job” at UC Davis as a Lab
Technician. I didn’t know it at the time
but we were about to receive hands-on-experiential-training in power dynamics. Unfortunately,
it would take me about 50 years or more to figure out what I had learned.
Before Dad (they are still married over 50 years later so he
truly is my Dad) our lives seemed pretty light-hearted. It was a tradition to sing loudly while taking
drives in the car…mostly Doris Day songs and ballads that Mom taught us. There was lots of chatter about anything and
everything. Same at home. When Dad came into our lives a shadow passed
over us. I realize now it was because he
was young (28 years old, 4 years younger than Mom), grieving and unhappy. A few
years prior his previous wife had died of cancer and his 10 month old son had
died in his sleep. He could not bear our chatter or our songs. If he was not happy, how could he allow the
chatter of lively children? My mother was relieved to have the daily
necessities of life taken care of.
Because the positive change he brought into our lives was financial
security, food always available and a roof always over our heads. Mom could breath. I know she felt that we were all safe now.
She elevated Dad to king of the house. His word was law.
Randy did not take this change so well. He was 13 years old, just stretching into his
independent phase and bam! Suddenly there were a whole set of new rules. No
discussion, no easing into things. It seemed that overnight our lives
changed. And at that time Dad was a weekend
drinker. When he drank, my mother and my brother took the brunt of his wrath. I
saw my brother change from a generous, kind, spontaneous brother into a
distant, angry resentful brother. He must have felt powerless. Anger was vented upon him, his actions and
words were repressed, and in turn he became angry toward me.
Randy ran away at age 16.
Eventually he joined a carnival. When he was 18 years old he died in a
head-on vehicle accident. I lost him then, but really I lost him the day our
mom married our dad. Randy’s potential
to be a strong, vibrant, caring, kind young man was squashed through repression
of his innate beautiful self and through anger.
The power dynamics between him, our stepfather and our mother crushed
him. And because he died he never had the chance to find his way back to his
true self…that bright, beautiful, kind, protective, supportive boy who had
the potential to have grown into a man of true strength.
How do we take away the potential from our boys to become
men of true strength? This is a mystery
I am still trying to unravel. Where do we take the misstep of teaching boys,
through our own behaviors, attitudes and wounds, that power is an external
force that is demonstrated through brute strength, repression of voice, “being
the king of the house”, being above menial work, or through being hands-off with our children?
How do we inspire our boys to find their true strength? The
internal strength that comes from profound self-worth, self-knowledge and the
desire to make the world a better place for themselves and their families?
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