Education 6
Nyamesheke District, Western Province
In this blog post, I want to discuss something that doesn't come up often in feminism. Or, rather, it comes up all the time, but never from the man's perspective. And this is puzzling, as it is at the root of so many of the problems that women wish to tackle: men's sexuality.
Several weeks ago, I was at a financial literacy project training, and when we had some extra time, our facilitator included a gender exercise in which we broke off into male and female groups. Each group was asked to list things it liked and disliked about being a part of that gender.
While the women spoke about how they disliked that they can't walk around alone at night, I kept my peace about the other side of the coin. I don't enjoy being the guilty party. The whole situation reminds me of a poli-sci class in college, where we divided into groups of five and were assigned to pretending to be different countries in mock nuclear arms negotiations. Against my will, I was assigned to North Korea (even though I was the only person in the class who was a Russian major). Why the bloody hell did my professor make me one of the bad guys? And why the hell did God make me one of the bad guys?
You see, females have a very legitimate complaint about how much unwanted attention they receive, and beyond unwanted attention, outright sexual harassment and at times even assault. That's not something guys have to deal with. A friend of mine recently posted a great article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gretchen-kelly/the-thing-all-women-do-you-dont-know-about_b_8630416.html. This article honestly didn't tell me too many things I didn't already know, although it somehow hit home communicating how pretty much every woman has to deal with cat-calls, inappropriate advances, and in all too many cases, actual violence. But what nobody in feminism talks about is: what's it like being on the other side of that coin?
Let's say I am walking home at night, and on the way I see a girl who is hurt and needs medical attention. I happen to have some medical training; can I help her, or will she pepper spray me in the face out of fear? I confess, if I encountered such a scene, I would run away before I helped, for fear of being feared. That's not a dilemma any woman has to deal with. Or, to get away from hypotheticals and enter into the real world, I can think of several times where I have wanted to speak to or help a female in a situation (usually in the bar/party scene) and my aid has been rejected out of mistrust. I do not enjoy it when I am assumed to be a monster.
But the worst part is that this mistrust is not entirely misplaced. I am not perfect. I have surprised myself at times by what I have wanted to do, and have had to pull myself aside and remind myself what is and is not appropriate, and how my actions might affect people. It can be difficult for a man to hold himself back; there is an old country music song called “I Think About You” by Colin Rae that has been helpful for me, where every time the singer sees something not right happening to women, he reminds himself of his 8-year-old daughter. Yes, the song is kitschy, but when dealing with strong and primitive feelings, nothing can be more persuasive than kitsch. Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with these strong feelings and urges, it is acting on them that leads to problems, and often people act on those urges in ways that are hurtful to women because they have not been taught how to deal with their desires, are not always aware of what is and is not appropriate, and have not had explained to them the line between flirtation and harassment.
If you admit that most women have to deal with at least inappropriate advances, then it seems reasonable to admit that most men perpetrate, at some point in their lives, inappropriate advances. This article states that girls have to deal with men staring at their breasts from the tender age of 13; the inverse of that is that a lot of men are staring at the breasts of 13-year-olds. No man has to deal with women staring at his genitals when he is barely adolescent, or dealing with advances, but he is, beginning at a young age, part of the gender perpetrating these acts.
Oscar Wilde once said, "If you want to get a man to tell the truth, put a mask on him." Here, I do not have a mask fully fitted on. I give my true name with this post, and many people who read it know me personally. I do not have complete anonymity, it is with great difficulty that I admit my short-comings. I have had moments I am not been proud of; I too have made the line of what is right and wrong blurry. To some women, I have had the good fortune to have an opportunity to apologize and make amends; to others, I was an anonymous stranger, and there was never a chance to apologize. I also know that there have been occasions where alcohol has helped me make bad decisions, as alcohol has a way of doing. But alcohol cannot be your excuse; alcohol does not give one permission, nor does it make it okay. I am thankful that I am at least able to recognize that about myself, that I can admit when I do something wrong, that I can strive to do better. Here I am on the Gender and Development Committee in Peace Corps Rwanda, and I too make mistakes. I like to think that I am aware, that I am conscious, that I am actively working to help promote gender equality and prevent GBV, and that I am working towards making the world a place where both men and women feel safe. So what does that mean for those who are less conscious? How do we help them?
But am I to apologize for having a libido, for finding women to be beautiful, for wanting to (this is terrible of me, I know) have sex with a beautiful woman at some point? Is that desire truly wrong? No, certainly not! In fact, many women are flattered to be found attractive and desirable. The problem is: how do men act on those desires in a moral and just manner, in a way that does no harm to anyone? How does a man show a woman that he finds her desirable in a way that does not degrade her, or make her uncomfortable, or worse, feel unsafe? In some cases, it's a no-brainer. There are some things men do (and they happen far too often) that even the perpetrators must realize are totally wrong. There are cases of men believing they are entitled to women, and who act out violently when they face rejection. But life is not always so extreme, not always so cut-and-dry. Sometimes there are men who are aroused in informal gatherings and truly don't know an appropriate way to display their attraction to women. The result is either that they keep those feelings bottled up deep down inside, or they display them inappropriately.
Please, do not consider this blog post to be a whine. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I do not want to complain about my guilt. And I do believe, having just reached my 30th birthday, that I now have a much better idea about how to pursue women without "crossing the line." But when I was 18, or 17, I had much less clear of an idea, and nobody was telling me otherwise.
What I'm suggesting is rarely addressed, but necessary. Teenage boys with big hormones shouldn't be told they are bad for having sexual desires (which is the feeling I sometimes get when I read articles about all the terrible things men have done to women), but should be guided about how to pursue those desires in a moral way, in a way that doesn't harm, objectify, or demean women. And nobody is telling them how to do that. Especially in Rwanda.
Religion complicates these issues. There are many beautiful religions—and here I must state that I, myself, identify as Christian—which teach that sex is reserved for marriage. I do not wish to tell anyone what to believe, and I have friends who abstained until they got married. When I think of those friends, I believe their decision to save sex until after the wedding was beautiful and gave their marriage so much more meaning. But they all decided to abstain when they were already in a serious relationship with someone they knew they were going to marry, and they all married at a pretty young age. Coincidentally, the religions that teach abstinence formulated those teachings at points in history when nearly everyone married at a young age. Society has changed. I recently celebrated my thirtieth birthday, and I have never been married. Is it realistic to ask of me that I should not have had a single sexual thought in my entire life? Speaking only for myself, I find the Bible to be an inadequate guide on this topic. That has not caused me to lose faith, by any means. But on this issue, I have sought guidance beyond the Scriptures; I have had serious discussions with friends I respect, read books and articles by psychologists and other professionals who work with sexuality, and done my best to trust my instincts. Whether or not you believe abstinence to be the right thing to teach, I think that it can be used as an excuse to not talk about sex, and that is unnecessary and failing our boys (and girls). My father is a pastor, and my mother is the daughter of a pastor (and a niece of at least two), yet they talked to me about sex in my early adolescent years. I think they could have said more, but the talks did go much farther than “sex is bad until you are married.” They talked to me about STI’s, birth control and protection, told me their dating stories from their high school years, and about healthy relationships. I remember once when I was about thirteen we were watching a movie in which there was very soft-core sex scene, and their response was to tell me how important, in real life, it is to use a condom. They never really told me that it is ok to have sex out of wedlock; especially when I was younger and in my father’s confirmation class, a few times said things to the contrary. But that did not stop them from having positive and helpful discussions about sexuality.
If our sexual
teaching stops with “don’t do it until you have a wife,” we do not give our
boys the proper means to mature sexually. If we teach abstinence only, how does
one feel empowered to ask questions on how to handle all he is feeling? We can
encourage abstinence certainly, but we must give boys the power to ask questions,
to explore safely, and to grow into the best men that they can be. We cannot
shame our boys (OR girls) into silence; we cannot refuse to teach our boys how
to express themselves in a healthy way, and then chastise them when they do not
know better. We as society are failing our boys.
To many people, what I just wrote may seem "duh!" To others, it isn't so obvious. Many people, especially here in Rwanda, take their Bible very literally. Abstinence is taught for religious reasons, and because it falls in line with their literal interpretation of the scriptures. And yet a lot of minors are having unprotected sex, with horrendous social implications once the baby is born (not to mention the demographics of being an overpopulated country). Furthermore, too many men I have talked to do not know how to "be a gentleman," as nobody ever talks to them about sex. Let’s start with linguistics. There are some Rwandans I have met who only use the word “fuck” to describe the sex act. Whether we are speaking of 40-year-old priests or 12-year-old schoolboys, they do not ever use the phrases "sleep with," "have sex with," "make love to." They are not bad men, but I find it very off-putting, to say the least, how freely they throw that word around. The sad thing is, at some point they were taught that. Somebody taught them that is the word for the sex act, and nobody gave them softer alternatives. Beyond that, objectifying women has become almost normal; an accepted part of society. Trust me, Rwandan society is complicated and extraordinarily difficult to fully comprehend. I do not want here to demonize everything in their culture or tell them they should be more like America, (there are some men here with very respectful attitudes to women) but the fact is that they have sexual desires which are not in themselves wrong, but lead to a great deal of hurt to the women of this country. I want here to point out that I have worked with some excellent men who are perfect gentlemen, by any culture’s standards. There is an NGO called RWAMREC (Rwandan Men’s Resource Center) which specializes in altering men’s gender attitudes, and supporting positive masculinity. But I have seen enough troubling behavior from rank-and-file Rwandan men (and, to be fair, American, and Russian, and Czech, and Chinese men [I single out these countries because I have lived in them]) that I wish someone had taught them to do better.
So what am I calling for? Something that should not be unrealistic. It would do the world a great deal of good: I do not want to be an assumed monster. I do not want men to have a reputation for only being bad, or dangerous, or scary. I do not ask for women to apologize to me for making me feel guilty, or for not satisfying all men's sexual desires. But I do believe, in an ideal world, men need to have a better idea of how to deal with sexual desires. Too often feminism and campaigns such as HeforShe speak of the damage that's being done, point to what is wrong, but do not point to what is right. Our GAD Committee has had this discussion too. Are we failing our boys? Are our programs too focused on the negative “you should not do this” aspects, and not the positive? How do we teach our boys to express themselves in a healthy and safe way, but to do it by building them up, not tearing them down? You remember all those awkward sex-ed classes you had in the 6th grade? As long as they're already awkward, let's include in them teaching boys what is and is not ok in their romantic endeavors. And let's bring it to Rwanda in our GLOW/BE clubs and camps, and in everyday interactions! Let's tell boys and men it is never ok to assault a woman, that "no" means "no," but let's also go further.
Women, you too play a huge part in this! Tell us what works for you, what you do like, and tell us what you are not ok with, what hurts you! Stop assuming that we already know that when we are 16! Rwandan culture often teaches the female to “act like she is not interested” or to be indifferent, so she does not appear promiscuous… but how is a boy ever supposed to know if she is saying no because society tells her to or if she is saying no because she means it? Stop teaching girls to say something they do not mean! Stop assuming we'll figure it out by the time we're 30! And men! For crying out loud have the humility to listen to women! That's 90% of the problem; we don't listen and are oblivious to the harm we cause.
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